Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
