i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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