hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
