Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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