he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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