So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
