If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
