He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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