Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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