I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
