I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
