dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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