Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
