I CAN MOONWALK!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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