im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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