I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
