There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
