Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize