Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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