My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
