remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
