It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
