i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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