Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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