maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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