Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize