Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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