Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
