I faked an abortion last night.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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