I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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