my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
