My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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