Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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