i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
