I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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