He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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