I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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