Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
