he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
