BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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