omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
