This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
A+ Viking dick
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
