Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
