Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
