Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
