i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When are your genitals available?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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