I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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