i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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