I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
