SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
MIDGETS
????
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
