My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
