Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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