DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
