Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Randomize
