i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
