so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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