I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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