He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
