ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
