Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
